As I fumble through yet another major life transition,
With so much uncertainty, I am forced more than ever to surrender, to have faith, to give each day to God.
The days fluctuate from good to bad.
Yet as is always the case, when one is devoted to the lifelong journey of evolving into the best version of oneself, the bad days become fewer and farther between, the good days multiply, strength is found, realizations dawn on me, compassion for myself grows, and I heal.
I see how it is I became the codependent I am. Codependence. Funny, I had never heard of it before. Similar to Al Anon and AA there are books written, weekly meetings everywhere and a long list to look over to determine whether I am a codependent too. I checked 80% of the boxes. Damn. Back in the 90’s I remember my sister saying I may be in a verbally abusive relationship. I searched for a book and found one. Only one. I checked 80% of those boxes too.
Like a physical ailment, we must know what afflicts us to treat it and heal. And here I am again. On a healing journey. Yet to me, this is what life is all about. We are enrolled in this school called Life, which asks of us to continually seek a higher state of consciousness. How can we do such a thing without knowledge and trust?
So I read the books, exercise regularly, write out my gratitudes (almost) daily, meditate and pray, and I do my best to focus on “what is true, honorable and right.” These days I even talk to myself in the mirror as though I were my own best friend.
Isn’t that what it is all about? Learning to become one’s own best friend? Depending only upon oneself to feel valued just as I am without any need for the approval or validation from someone or somewhere else?
Elizabeth Gilbert writes in her book, “All the Way to the River”
“I can’t even tell you when my love addiction got triggered with Rayya or when I collapsed into utter abandonment of self that is codependency in its most deadly and life-destroying form. I can’t name the exact moment when I made her into my higher power, or when I surrendered all my will and agency to her, or when I decided that it was my job in life to serve her every desire – no matter how much it cost me, physically, emotionally and financially.”
Since my father died, after 6.5 years of caring for him, including 2 of those years caring for my mother who had dementia, it became clear how it is I became a codependent. A life of denial had shielded me and I could not, I would not, see the utter dysfunction of my childhood, which looked so ideal from the outside.
Trying to prove my value, when no one should have to do such a thing as a child, morphed into the role of rescuer where I foolishly believed I could help others heal, I could love all their pain away.
I neglected my needs while seeking the love and acceptance I longed for. Desensitized, I could not see the red flags, and I have tolerated much more than I ever should have.
I can accept myself as someone who has needs. The need for positive reinforcement, friendship, understanding, touch, this is all normal. It makes me human. There are times when I am particularly needy, and that is ok too. I can accept this and incorporate it into all that I am. It doesn’t mean I am deficient or weak, or that I am dependent in an unhealthy way. It makes my needs manageable. The perceived severity of my problems decreases. They stop controlling me and I gain control.
Funny, how it is that though I have been on the spiritual path for 40 years now, I still forget to give all my problems over to a Higher Power. From life altering events to how to operate a computer program, I forget. And when I do remember, to ask for guidance before a difficult conversation, a day of computer work, or when a painting has not yet come together, I am always, and I mean Always, guided to a positive outcome. Every. Single. Time.
So what of the bigger stuff? Looking back I have made it through many big trials. I know I have it in me. No need to create an epic drama when really it is just another melodrama similar to countless others. Yes, melodrama it is, and I will get through it. And I know that so much of my success depends on self-care, persistence and determination, on surrendering to the guidance of God, and on faith.
People sometimes say, in an effort to reassure me, that “Everything will be OK” and I appreciate it. I heard that many times when I was so worried about my sons when they were young and I was in the process of leaving their father. I was so tired of hearing that. I remember finally losing my temper with someone I am close to when she lovingly said “They will be fine.” And I snapped back “Fine isn’t good enough!”
Now in their 30’s, I could not be more proud of the men they have become. And you know, fine isn’t good enough for me either.
I know I will be fine.
But more than that...
I will will thrive!